Sticking to my dreams.

I have travelled to past, just now. I've decided to dust off some old shelves and dig into my memory. What a touching, inspiring and motivating journey:) Cause I've remembered how hard it was at the beginning. The studying, the travelling to the College, the struggle to find a decent job and students eager to learn. Now I've started the third year of teaching. Every year teaches me some new lessons. Life lessons. I get to know more people, more students, more of their problems, doubts, fears and dreams. I've organized myself better. I've become a more diligent and responsible teacher. I've had my ups and downs but I'm still standing here, wanting to remain who I've chosen to be long time ago - a TEACHER.

Now I have my own class to supervise. To raise. I think we can call it that. We don't only teach, we are supposed to raise our students to be citizens of the world. To understand themselves, each other and the world better. To be more sensitive to other people's feelings. Not to hurt each other. We teach them respect. Well, at least we're trying.

Recently we've all "liked" this status on facebook : A teacher somewhere in your neighbourhood tonight is preparing lessons to teach your children or marking their works while you are watching television. In the minute it takes you to read this, teachers all other the world are using their "free time" and often investing their own money for your child's literacy, prosperity and future"

It's simply all true. That is what I'm doing now. I will try to reactivate this blog to inspire my students. To motivate them, to let them know me better and what we are trying to teach them. Let's show them that we are not monsters who take away their dreams and make them believe that they will fail in life. We want to be role models, we want to spare their future pain, we want to prepare them for this big, scary life that is ahead of them. But sometimes they just won't listen. But we can't give up, but if we give up on them, who will take care of their education? Some students are really neglected, forgotten, put aside by their parents. And my heart utterly breaks in two when I see such situations. I always wonder why don't we call social services.

I've created a separate profile on Facebook not to be cool, or to show students that I know their music and new technology. I've created a space for all of us to be equal, to be inspired, a friendly working environment where students are not afraid of making mistakes because we work together towards solving them. I help them with their homework, but I want to do more than that. I want to help them with all their problems and doubts. I still want to be Michelle Pfeiffer from the film "Dangerous Minds" and Robbie Williams from "Dead Poets' Society". Even more now than I did earlier.
Although it's going slow, I think the facebook page will thrive and bring results:)

And how about you guys? What are your feelings after gaining some experience as a teacher?:)

P.S. Miss you all:)

"the pretender"

I know I'm a constant complainer. I try to fight. I tell myself - quit whining. People don't like it. But then, everybody does it. I met my friend from high school by accident yesterday who I haven't seen for some time and we talked a bit. At one point she said: oh God, you're complaining a lot. I laughed that I've become a true Polish teacher then. But I thought something completely different. Or did I become my own worst nightmare? But how can I not complain sometimes? Why do people complain so much? It is said because we simply don't feel happy and good with ourselves. But sometimes, I think, we have nothing else to talk about. A simple chitchat. We cannot talk about intimate details, things we really think or feel. I can't say that I had a fight with my beloved one and I'm having a bad day. I don't know what to talk about or simply can't say it so I complain. About the weather, about the students, about the money.
Then comes the reason why I have 3 blogs. The minute I feel I cannot be myself I create a new blog. Even here, I can't fully be myself. That is why I have an anonymous one. I can't truly be me. Sometimes I think no one can to comfort myself. Some people lead their "second life" on the Internet and pretend to be someone they're not. Well, I'm not like that. I have my second REAL life on the Internet. Here I can share my feelings, express my opinions and sometimes find solutions to my doubts thanks to objective comments. I can even become a better person thanks to blogging cause I think through my actions and I try not to make the same mistakes again. It's sad, really. The fact that the only place where I, in fact, many people, can be themselves is on e.g. blogs. Why people don't say what they feel? What's hurting them? What's in them? I hate being this person. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not a constant complainer. I'm just a constant PRETENDER because I can't talk about things that are deep inside me.

Have we lost what we had inside these lines?

a touch of spice...

Today, together with Anita, we've attended a teaching conference organized by Express Publishing called "Teaching with a touch of spice". First of all, the man was hilarious :D he made bunch of good points:P Although the first two sessions were more of an advertisement of their new coursebooks and materials for an interactive blackboards:P, it was quite interesting. Some ideas remained in my mind, especially those concerning the discipline. But today, I feel quite inspired. I know I can't change much now, because like the guy said, you have to be consistent with your rules. Simple as that, but I've forgot about that and now it's too late to make my students stick to the rules when we haven't established many of them. But I've promised myself to change it in my next school and new classes. Definitely! Cause yes, atmosphere creates behaviour and learning to establish rules and then actually sticking to them creates stability and discipline.

Few phrases to remember after today's conference for me and Anita:D

"There's an interesting story in this book of a coffee pot with an identity crisis":D

"Play rugby, play rugby, play rugby! No, No, Don't make me do it again!!"

"I don't know if you've noticed but kids learn early how to run but they never learn how to stop and at some point while running they are like "OK and how do I stop now?" :D

"Another thing to discuss with my therapist" :P

"You should always ask your students "How did you feel about the text and why? But never ask them "What did you think about the text?" because they'll go like this "yyy, hmmm, errrr Think? No, it hurts!":D

These are the in-jokes:P those present there can only understand but anyway, I wanted to put it here:D

The best thing about today? Is the fact that I didn't have to go to work on the worst day of the week! yay!:D

Now, turning to a more serious tone...When I got on the train to Poznań I was kind of excited to remind myself the days not so long ago (because it's not even a year) when I travelled to Poznań everyday by train. I complained about it a lot but I've grown to like it and got used to it. But when I got on the train on my way back I've asked myself how I've survived these 3 years?:P Cause I felt sooo exhausted! I don't know if this was the weather, or the fact that again, I had to rush to catch the earlier train or maybe the simple exhaustion of sitting in one room for 5 hours straight and listening to one guy:P But what I've realized was the fact that I couldn't return to it now. I mean travelling by train again everyday. I've looked at people running to the station not to be late for the train. and I've seen myself. I couldn't believe that I used to do that. It seems like so long ago. Weird feeling. These stupid talks on the train annoyed me. They used to entertain me. High school kids with their "problems". They are so materialistic, sad really. All the way they blamed the teachers for their failures. I smiled inside cause probably, well definitely, my students say the same thing about me. Now I'm the one who they talk about and not the other way round. Sometimes I forget I'm on "the other side" now:P. My days at College at this moment felt like they were left in a distant past. And I felt somehow proud, glad with myself that I did for 3 years and survived. I call it survival because believe me, sometimes I felt that not only my mind, but also my body won't take it. The exhaustion and sleep deprivation. Don't get me wrong. I still like trains. I like to watch the views, roads, trees and fields passing by. Vanishing wires and railways. It gave me and gives me some kind of stability and I feel sentimental when I know that in a second we will pass a field with horses, then this house with a beautiful balcony. Anyway...

Tomorrow will look the same because I'm attentind another conference. This time by PWN. Will see how it goes:)

For now, good night and good luck:) Especially to all the teachers struggling with the ways how to make the right noise in the classroom:)

counting...

I've once written here that my life consists of counting...Today that thought came back to me. However, my counting now, differs a bit. What I count now mostly? Money. I count how much I have spent during the week. How much money I will need next week, deciding whether I have to spend it. The minute I think I have saved some, I have to spend it on something else like gas or borrow it to someone, who is in need. Of course, I buy stuff for myself but there's never enough to satisfy everybody. These stupid 520 PLN for my extramural studies! Such a waste. I wouldn't pay even 300PLN for it. I haven't learnt a thing there. I have no ideas as to my MA thesis so I've decided to do something about it and ordered some books on allegro (another expense).
When I'm at work I constantly look at my watch and count the minutes till the end. I get frustrated when I have to stay longer because some other teacher is ill. When I'm at work, I count how many minutes I will have for myself before I start giving private lessons. Will I be able to take a nap? To help my mum with my nephew? Then I count the days till the end of the term to end my miserable days at this damn school. Because yes, the kids haven't changed a bit. They are still the most rude and mean human beings I have ever met. And I'm waiting for the day when I will be able to say to them that I'm glad that I won't see them again. If only I could hit them!They totally deserve and constantly provoke me to do it:P

But Ok, enough of this whining. We have a new year, I've become a year older. Don't feel like it though. It was just a day, like any other day.
By the way, how can you stop yourself from dreaming? My dreams are so weird and exhausting, they wake me up couple of times during the night. I don't sleep very well and wake up angry almost every morning. What kind of mind creates so weird images? How can you dream about sharks ripping your leg off, then that you have to save the world from a flood, then you run from a murderer and then I dream of my dead relatives. All that during one night, sometimes there's more. Do I think too much or what? I just wonder...

What keeps me going?Films! Thank God there are so many of them. I've watched all the films nominated to Oscars obviously. But sadly, there aren't any which really stand out. The Hurt Locker is not bad, nicely filmed, edited etc. but isn't THAT good. I won't mention Avatar because I don't why it's so popular. I like "The Messenger" It's more depressing and Oscar-like:). What else? I prefer "Nine" to "Chicago". Daniel-Day Lewis stunning again. Oh and "Up in the air":) As much as I don't like George Clooney I enjoyed it. Supporting actresses are great so I would go for them rather that Monique for "Precious". My God, that's a tough one. Too tough, I would say Has anyone of you seen it? Then you'll understand.
My other addictions? Various drama series and comedies:) "Glee", "United States of Tara", "Vampire Diaries", "90210", "Melrose Place" and "The Good Wife" and so mu.ch more. Grey's Anatomy still being at the top of my list:)

OK but I'm missing my point:P but then, What is the point?:P
Ah yes, counting. Now I count the days to the Oscars :)

Miss you all!:) I would like to visit our College but don't have the bloody time! booo hoo:P

It's Christmas time!:)

Do you feel it? Can you see it? So much snow for Christmas! I know most of you whine about it because it's so cold and it's a challenge to start a car in the morning, but still, isn't it great? I feel like going for a walk just now:) This snow looks very inviting, I don't mind the cold:)

I had my lesson observed again today (and I don't want to show off:P) but just want to say that it's really nice to hear so many positive things about your teaching. I have to say that I don't know where I sometimes get these ideas:P But yesterday I spent 9 hours, literally!:), on doing Christmas ornaments and cards needed for a memory game. I've decided I'll start a lesson with traditional Jingle Bells sung by Alvin and the Chipmunks, which kids loved:), before lesson started I've put 10 handmade Christmas ornaments on a Christmas tree in the classroom and 10 names of those ornaments on the blackboard. After entering children where to spot the additional ornaments I've put there. You can't imagine how competetive and excited they were:P I know I could print the ornaments from the Internet or something but I've noticed that every time I make things myself kids are more eager to participate and always compliment on my talent :D. Then I distributed the cards and kids were to play a memory game in pairs. They liked it so much:) What I want to say that it's a great joy to see kids like your work so much. That they like you so much. I constantly hear how funny I am and that I should be a star in TV:D and I like hearing that, how lame is that:P? Not a day goes by without me getting some kind of a picture from my "little fans" :). I've arranged a "wall of fame" in my room. Check this out :D

But these are my favourites, you have to admit that the girl has talent, even though she's copying it from somewhere:P pay special attention to the names :D

This is a "KET" :D

and this is a "DOK":D

and these are this little moments, the minute they give you a drawing, the minute they tell you that they loved your lesson and ideas. Kids appreciate more, kids are more fun:) who would have thought I would like it so much:P Last year I said I don't want to teach kids because it's too chalenging, maybe it is but it's rewarding as well:)

I wonder why I try...

It comes and goes in waves..I'm only left to wonder why I try...these words revolve around my head. Today was my attempt to make a two-hour revision cause they are having a test on Wednesday. What a failure;/ So I just sat and stared outside the window and tried to switch off to all the noise around me, papers flying around the class, constant complaining of the students. Cause at one point I wanted to start crying. Not because of the way the kids behaved because really, I don't give a damn about them as they don't respect me. I wanted to cry because I don't deserve it, I felt like I lived my whole life and there's nothing more left for me. No hope, no improvement, no future. Cause today 11 YEAR OLD! kids were greatly amused by saying things like: "Stanął mi or ruchać mi się chcę, jesteś gejem, chcę mi się srać". These few phrases show what's in the minds of kids today, of my students. I wrote what I wanted them to know for the test on the blackboard and sat at my desk. I just didn't give a damn. My throat is still sore after the flu so I'm not going to lose my voice again because of these little freaks;/ so again I ask myself: Why? I don't deserve this. I am a good teacher.

I had my lesson observed last Friday. I prepared flashcards, I made a huge poster of a monster to revise vocabulary, prepared games, gave rewards. 7year old kids were thrilled and so was the other teacher. I am a good teacher. But how can I be a teacher when I "teach" future so missbehaved children?

I took part in Camrbidge teaching conference about how to teach grammar creatively and how to motivate teenagers a week ago or so. I realised then that I am good. TTC gave us a lot of theoretical and practical knowledge about how to teach. There were so many teachers who didn't have a clue about teaching and English itself as well;/ They confused tenses, couldn't find words to express their thoughts properly, their vocab wasn't sophisticated at all and their pronunciation? come on, so English-Pinglisz:P That's the phrase I use to describe people who don't have any accent at all:P The guy who led this conference was really great, full of creative ideas with great English and I think he was dissapointed as well. Not to mention that when we were to work together, I mean the teachers from different schools, they all behaved like bigger kids, arguing and not listening to younger ones, e.g. me:P. Their ideas about motivating students were so out of date. so was their English:P I don't mean to offend anybody. My point is that I deserve a better job, I deserve to teach students who actually know something or simply want to learn something and are not beasts. There are so many students with talent to learn languages but their talent is wasted because of an unskilled teacher. Today I told my students they are animals to me. They aren't human at all to me. I know I shoudn't say stuff like that, I should ignore it. I'm starting to ignore them, I start to stop teaching at all. Pathetic... I have to do something or I will burn out completely...

So please, any teaching job next year in a normal school? Pretty please, let me know:P

What else? Extramural MA studies. yep, they started, they are expensive as hell and not worth the money at all. Sorry, but money is the biggest issue for me here and I complain about it a lot;/ People appear to be nice, funny, interesting. Depending on the age and school they graduated from:P lectures? some of them interesting, some of them dull. We are bringing scrabbles next time with Asia Si:P Because hangman is not so fun:P

and how are you guys?

I'm listening to songs like "9 crimes" by Damien Rice cause I wish I had a gun sometimes :P

Days go by...

Just like Beti said, it’s not like me not to write anything, is it? I’ve intended to so many times but something stopped me. Cause the truth is I don’t have much to write about. I was happy during one day. The day when I finally got my BA and since then it’s nothing extraordinary. Things didn’t turn out the way I wanted. I don’t have a penny in my pocket to have some fun during holidays so there comes the so called „holiday depression” in my head. Basically it’s just thinking too much about my life and how my plans and dreams are not coming true again. It turns out that there isn’t any job for teachers. At least not the one I wanted. I want to teach teenagers. Maybe it’s naive and stupid but I’ve always wanted to really influence people, to have some impact on their views and to share them with me. I wanted to be Robin Willams in “Dead Poets Society” or Michelle Pfeiffer in “Dangerous Minds” but nothing comes along. You have to have some connections and experience to find a good job. And now I just spend my days thinking about how life laughs at me again and plays tricks on me. I wanted to be a role model, an educator, just a good teacher and I will probably end up in Empik selling books. You can’t imagine how angry I get because of that. I got on that stupid train everyday, put so much energy to study and after 3 years what do I have? Empty bank account, no job prospects and I don’t know which seminar to choose. I don’t even feel like studying again. I know I’m good at what I do and love what I do. I love teaching but who knows that? We’re not even given the opportunity to show our talents and love for the job so who will hire a fresh College graduate with no experience? I complain a lot, don’t I? There are days that I see things only in black colours but there are also days when I try not to overthink;) Then I relax and shake hands with my fate and wait for what’s ahead of me. Maybe it’s not much but I have to start from nothing and then climb the ladder, right? I can’t complain because people don’t always get what they want from the start. You have to earn it, you have to wait for it and maybe some day life will smile at me and laugh at me…

Not to think too much I fill my days with reading books, taking care of my 10 month old nephew and watching films and, of course, drama series:)
I highly recommend new drama series“Nurse Jackie” and “Hung”. I also started watching new “Hawthorne” and I wait impatiently every week for another episode of the second season of “True Blood". Does Anyone of you watch one of these?:)

P.S. I miss you guys so much :) cause days at College were the days when I felt wanted and needed and that I had some purpose in life. Now I’m stuck in this huge empty hole where I’m neither a student nor a teacher. I’m just UNEMPLOYED.